Clueless
by The American Ranger
Summary: Zim watches a television show, which leads him to believe he must be dating someone to be human. Very, very suckish summary! A bit of ZADR, so if you don't like the pairing, don't read!


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything and FanFiction loves to rub it in my face. Grrr….meanies!**

**(AN: Not really sure what the heck I'm doing with this, but it's supposed to funny/romantic/awesome! Review if you want….*Inner voice screams at me to force you to* No! Bad inner voice!)**

Zim assembled and disassembled a few pieces of metal. He'd just about finished making a bird when it was ripped from his hands. He whirled around, searching for his attacker.

"Mastah, you gonna watch T.V. with me!" yelled GIR from the floor.

Unsurprisingly, he was the one who had taken the half finished bird.

"GIR! How dare you interrupt my building!"

In response, the robot flew the bird around, making whoosh noises, and rammed it into the wall repeatedly. Zim growled, then snatched it back.

"C'mon, master, please?"

"No."

"Pleeease?"

"No."

"Please! Please! Please!"

"No!"

Gir broke into sobs, rolling on the floor. Zim watched him for a few minutes. It was starting to get pathetic by now. His gaze softened.

"Fine just no Scary-"

GIR shrieked and hugged Zim's head. They went up the elevator, GIR still clinging to his master's head. They stopped at the refrigerator to grab snacks. Then they sat on the couch, GIR removing himself.

"So…what're we watching?"

"I dunno."

The little robot flipped channels, then left it on some show about teenage girls. GIR's jaw dropped.

"Tiffany's dating Brad?" he yelled, pointing.

"Dating?" Zim said, raising an eyebrow.

"Y'know…she", he giggled, "loves him!"

"Love huh?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Hmmmm…"

Zim watched, trying to learn more about humans and their 'dating' ritual. At one point, Tiffany made fun of some people who weren't in possession of 'boyfriends'. She pointed at them and laughed.

"_You guys are freaks! You must be aliens!"_

GIR burst out laughing, while Zim watched in horror. GIR changed the channel.

"GIR! Put that back now!"

"No! I wanna watch this!"

Zim looked at the television.

"The golf channel?" GIR nodded. Zim sighed.

"Tomorrow, GIR, I have to get a", he shuddered, "boyfriend." GIR, however had turned his attention back to the golfers.

"Bwahahaha! Hole in one! Hole in one!"

"This is serious, GIR! If I don't have one, the humans will know I'm an alien! I'll blow the mission!"

"So?"

"_So_? If we blow the mission, the Tallest will kill me!"

"Oh, I understand."

"You don't, do you?"

He giggled, "Nope."

Zim pinched the skin between his eyebrows and changed the channel back.

The next day at skool, he sat with his fake innocent smile on his face. Ms. Bitters smacked the chalkboard.

"Alright, class. Today we will be learning about sharks and how they will eventually enslave mankind and interbreed with us causing world-wide doom."

Dib raised his hand.

"Yes, Dib."

"Ms. Bitters, that seems a little impossible."

"Shut up, Dib."

"Yes ma'am." he replied, sitting back down. Zim giggled, and the boy glared at him. Zim made a face at him and Ms. Bitters hissed evilly, causing them both to be quiet.

Later at lunch, Zim planned on how to get a boyfriend. He decided to go with the direct approach. He stood up on the table, kicking some kid's food tray to the floor. The kid then proceeded to eat it off the floor.

"Hey!" he said. Nobody responded, except for Dib glancing at him. He frowned, looking around at them. Deciding that being louder always helped, he screamed at them.

"Heeeey!" A few people looked at him. Satisfied to have an audience he smiled.

"I have a question for you all!"

"Get on with it, freak!" yelled a kid. Zim picked up an orange and nailed him between the eyes. The kid fell in the floor. He had everyone's attention now.

"Ahem, as I was saying. I want to know who here thinks they are worthy of being Zim's boyfriend!" People giggled and whispered among themselves.

"I didn't know he was gay." said one girl.

"Psh, have you _seen_ the way he dresses?"

Keef stood up in the back of the room. Zim shrieked, then threw a child at him. Both slammed into the wall. He chuckled.

"Anyone? Except Keef?"

A girl nudged her friend, pointing at Dib. They both chuckled.

"Dib wants to!" they yelled simultaneously. Dib's head shot up. His eyes widened as he realized what they were talking about.

"No I don't!"

"Silence, fool, you know you love me!"

"No I don't!"

Everyone went back to eating. They were still curious how this would turn out, of course, but they'd experienced how long these two could fight.

Gaz smirked.

"C'mon, Dib. You constantly talk about him. Even in your sleep."

Dib glared at her.

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do." She snatched his glasses off his face, then copied his voice. She did a pretty good job, too.

"Zim…oh, Zim…" she purred, an evil spark in her eyes. Dib took his glasses back, face glowing red.

Zim crossed his arms, smiling triumphantly. Everything was going according to the plan. Well, except for his boyfriend thing being Dib. Well, he'd watched the whole season of that show last night, (GIR had ordered the DVD), so he knew exactly what to do next.

Jumping down off his table, he went over to Dib and Gaz's.

"What're you doing, Zim?" he asked, backing up slightly. Zim walked up to him, then sat in the next chair. He slid his arm around the boy, pulling him closer. Dib, naturally, protested the whole time. But he shut up when he was pressed completely against Zim.

"Now eat your lunch." the Irken purred in a sexy tone. Dib blinked, but ate anyways. There were only a few minutes left of lunch anyway. Maybe Zim would regain his somewhat sanity by then.

After lunch, Zim took Dib's hand and walked with him back to class. If Ms. Bitters found anything odd about the two of them, she didn't say anything. Everyone took their seats, and she began talking about the sharks again.

When skool let out, Dib tried to run for it. But Zim caught him at the stairs.

"Look, Zim, I don't know what you're doing, but it's creeping me out."

Zim paused. What had Tiffany done? Then he remembered. He placed a gloved finger on Dib's lips, and told him to 'Shh'.

Dib was now officially freaked out. He started to run down the road. The arms came out of Zim's Pak, and wrapped themselves around the boy's chest, pulling him back.

He screamed as he was pulled against Zim's chest.

"Leave me alone!"

"No."

"Freaks!" yelled Gaz, who'd been watching.

"Gaz, help me!" pleaded Dib.

"No…I don't think I will."

"Gaz!" he shrieked, but she ignored him.

Zim began walking after her, making sure to keep a few arms on Dib, who was still struggling. After a minute or two, Dib just let Zim carry him. They were nearing his house now, and the boy was looking forward to escape.

Zim set him down on his front porch, remembering the next part of the show. He once again pulled Dib close, and planted a…what was it called? A kiss. He planted a kiss on the boy's lips.

The second he was done, Dib ran into the house. He slammed and locked the door. Then he ran up to his room and hid under his blanket.

Professor Membrane asked Gaz what was wrong with him.

"Oh, his alien friend is in love with him."

"Haha, I remember when that happened to me."

Zim marched proudly back to his base. The day had gone well. The humans probably considered him the most normal of them all.

He pulled open the door. GIR had a pizza and was rolling around on top of it. He saw Zim and his eyes turned red. He saluted his master, a piece of pizza falling off his head.

"Welcome home, sir."

"Hello, GIR. Did you steal that pizza?"

GIR went back to blue.

"Uh-huh. You wanna piece?"

"No GIR."

"Aw, okay."

Zim hopped up on the couch. GIR followed suit. He pulled a piece of pepperoni off his eye. Then he considered it for a moment before eating it.

"So how'd it go?" he asked.

"It went well. Dib is now my boyfriend. He seemed a little scared though….I wonder why."

"Maybe he's sick."

"Hmm…well, I suppose I'll report my status to the Tallest."

"Okay, tell 'em I said hi!"

On the way down, he removed his disguise. He rubbed his eyes. Those stupid contacts made them sore. He turned on the transmitter and waited for the Tallest to appear. When they did, they seemed caught off guard.

"Oh…hello Zim." said Red. Purple, who'd just choked on soda, stifled a groan.

"What is it now?" he asked, wiping it off his face.

"I'd like to report that I have saved my mission. I had to acquire a boyfriend to blend in with the humans. All is well now."

Red stared at him, along with Purple.

"Um, Zim, you do know that you're male?" asked Purple.

Red elbowed him.

"What?"

Red lowered his voice.

"This could be fun. We'll tell him later, besides we haven't had anyone to blackmail lately."

Purple grinned.

"Um, good job Zim." he said.

"Yes, we wish you luck with your", they snickered, "boyfriend."

Then they ended the transmission. After a few seconds, Zim turned it back on.

"GIR says hi!" he said, causing Purple to spray Red with what was left of his soda. Zim laughed uneasily, then ended the transmission. Red glared at Purple who smiled apologetically.

**(AN: So? What'd you think? You want more?)**


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